Toaster's Handbook
Chapter 163 : I'd rather be a Could Be If I could not be an Are; For a Could Be is a May Be, Wi

I'd rather be a Could Be If I could not be an Are; For a Could Be is a May Be, With a chance of touching par.

I'd rather be a Has Been Than a Might Have Been, by far; For a Might Have Been has never been, But a Has was once an Are.

'Tis not in mortals to command success, But we'll do more, Semp.r.o.nius,-- We'll deserve it.

--_Addison_.

There are two ways of rising in the world: either by one's own industry or profiting by the foolishness of others.--_La Bruyere_.

Success is counted sweetest By those who ne'er succeed.

--_Emily d.i.c.kinson_.

_See also_ Making good.

SUFFRAGETTES

When a married woman goes out to look after her rights, her husband is usually left at home to look after his wrongs.--_Child Harold_.

"'Ullo, Bill, 'ow's things with yer?"

"Lookin' up, Tom, lookin' up."

"Igh cost o' livin' not 'ittin' yer, Bill?"

"Not so 'ard, Tom--not so 'ard. The missus 'as went 'orf on a hunger stroike and me butcher's bills is cut in arf!"

I'd hate t' be married t' a suffragette an' have t' eat Battle Creek breakfasts.--_Abe Martin_.

FIRST ENGLISHMAN--"Why do you allow your wife to be a militant suffragette?"

SECOND ENGLISHMAN--"When she's busy wrecking things outside we have comparative peace at home."--_Life_.

Recipe for a suffragette:

To the power that already lies in her hands You add equal rights with the gents; You'll find votes that used to bring two or three plunks, Marked down to ninety-eight cents.

When Mrs. Pankhurst, the English suffragette, was in America she met and became very much attached to Mrs. Lee Preston, a New York woman of singular cleverness of mind and personal attraction. After the acquaintance had ripened somewhat Mrs. Pankhurst ventured to say:

"I do hope, Mrs. Preston, that you are a suffragette."

"Oh, dear no!" replied Mrs. Preston; "you know, Mrs. Pankhurst, I am happily married."

BILL--"Jake said he was going to break up the suffragette meeting the other night. Were his plans carried out?"

DILL--"No, Jake was."--_Life_.

SLASHER--"Been in a fight?"

MASHER--"No. I tried to flirt with a pretty suffragette."--_Judge_.

"What sort of a ticket does your suffragette club favor?"

"Well," replied young Mrs. Torkins, "if we owned right up, I think most of us would prefer matinee tickets."

_See also_ Woman suffrage.

SUICIDE

The Chinese Consul at San Francisco, at a recent dinner, discussed his country's customs.

"There is one custom," said a young girl, "that I can't understand--and that is the Chinese custom of committing suicide by eating gold-leaf. I can't understand how gold-leaf can kill."

"The partaker, no doubt," smiled the Consul, "succ.u.mbs from a consciousness of inward gilt."

SUMMER RESORTS

GABE--"What are you going back to that place for this summer? Why, last year it was all mosquitoes and no fis.h.i.+ng."

STEVE--"The owner tells me that he has crossed the mosquitoes with the fish, and guarantees a bite every second."

"I suppose," said the city man, "there are some queer characters around an old village like this."